Criswell's Triumphant Return to the Stage

Criswell has never really been away, because how can you be away, when I am always in your future?

Criswell: In the future, men will no longer smoke what you consider "pipes", instead they will smoke from an elaborate system of PVC piping, connected directly to a "smoking machine."  Heating costs will go through the roof!

Many decades from now, women will woo men by a series of clicking and buzzing sounds.  Men will still use expensive drinks, but these drinks themselves will be buzzing and clicking!

In times ahead, cars will no longer be used, instead, people will get around on flying boats, and the sky will be called "the great ocean full of much small craft advisories."

Further into the mists of time, the Black Ghoul will no longer bug me for that paycheck for Orgy of the Dead, and instead shut her bouffanted pie-hole!

Black Ghoul: Hey!

Criswell: I also predict, now that it has been mentioned, somebody will be forced to review Orgy of the Dead!

Simon Bar Sinister: Hey!  Damn it to hell!  That thing doesn't even have a plot ...

OK, none of them have a plot, point taken.

School's Out!

With all the young, hot studs idled for summer, I can sense the beginning of a great May-December romance!  May 2012, December 1942!

There's nothing a restless young hunk needs more than the gentle, guiding hand of an older woman, to show him the ways of love, to tenderly embrace him, and show him the quickest way to pop back in a hip that likes to dislocate during the rough stuff!

Nothing get's a wolf's heart beating faster than the feel of well worn skin, a little less like corinthian leather and a little more like what'd you find in an egyptian sarcophagus!  Luckily, most of my organs are still squishing around inside me than inside jars!  It's the only a part I can guarantee is still moist!

Now I know some of you packs of man muscles would like to find a job, and a lot of you spend the summer shucking corn.  Well, you bring the corn, and I'll do the shucking!

OK, that sounded better on paper.

Why mess with those young women?  Get a woman who knows what she wants, or at least remembers in-between her bouts of dementia, and what I want is ... wait ... did I lock the door?  Where's the cat?  My cat likes sticks.  Cupcakes!

Mr. Peevly's State of the Blog Update

Mr. Peevly, with the current state of the blog.

It seems we're starting to get some hits from google searches.  I always welcome such traffic, and hopefully we can make some fans and entertain some people who are either old enough to remember this stuff (read: older than dirt) or have the TV stuck on Boomerang and lost the remote.

Hey, let's check to see what we have today.  Hmmm.  OK.  Wait, what's this one ...

HITLER GLOVES?

Hitler gloves?  Hitler gloves!  What's next, Tojo Spats?  Mussolini Galoshes?

I'm not kidding.  That search term actually lead somebody here.  Internet, everybody!

Sadomasicist Nurse Business Blunder

Sadomasicist Nurse: My nursing work has been drying up lately.

Sadomasicist Nurse: The administrators of the hospital I work for -- well, used to work for -- have told me that I've failed to grasp the concept that a hospital is for making people feel better.  Feel better?  What a strange concept!  I told those administrators that I'd like to administrate some pain on them, and then they punched me in the face and threw me out on my china-white tuccus.

This is not at all what I meant, and my butt hurts!

So, I'm starting my own business, called "Beatings for a Buck."

Big Brian Wonder Woman: I must intrude on this conversational creation of a new independent business venture.  I must forcibly interject that for one dollar your cost/profit ratio will be heavily slanted towards ...

Sadomasicist Nurse: Shut up!

Never has a low volume blog been populated with such annoying characters!

Anyway, I already have some clients lined up!

Henchmen: Wow-ee, boss, she's got much prettier lips than you!

Big Brian Wonder Woman: Let me point out that you were given sufficient warning!

Sadomasicist Nurse: Shut up!

Mr. Jinks Wants in on the Bikini Action

Like, the bikini movie reviews are, ya know, a hit, so like, here's my top 10 bikini movies with their catch phrases!

Top 10 Bikini Movie Catch Phrases

10. Bikini Sale: Half Off for half the movie!

9. Bikini Atoll: So hot it's radioactive!

8. Bikini Racist Indian: No pale "faces" here, all tanned!

7. Bikini Bikini: Contains: Bikinis!

6. Bionic Bikini: Adventures in the Bikini Zone!

5. BBQ Bikini: Grease splatter scars never looked so sexy!

4. Bikini Bikini, the Sequel: Electric Boob-a-loo!

3. Bikini Hot Dog Stand: We've got steamed buns!

2. Capt'n Bikini, Hot Wench of the Garbage Scow: We've ran out of ideas, but hey, boobs!

1. Yakety Sax Bikini: Pretend it's a 90 minute Benny Hill skit!

Attractive, Hot Single Ladies 5

They're hot!  They're Single!  They're Attractive!  We are moderately sure they are ladies!

Here's a little information about myself.  I like pretty flowers, ponies, kitties (the fluffier, the better), long, star-lit walks on the beach where I take a man's hand to rip the soul from his body as we begin our journey to the land of still corpses, his s ... wait, got off track there.  And puppies!  I love puppies!

Ignore that other stuff.

I'm a great, fun loving gal, who loves life, not taking it, not draining your sweet essence and pouring it into the empty chasm that is my black soul.  I swear!  You can hang out with me!  You can especially hang out in a place with no witnesses!  I love life.  Yours, especially.  Did that sound sinister?  Honestly, I didn't mean it that way!

Let's start over again.

Kittens.  Puppies.  My deadly touch draining the your remains years into elixir for the terrifying beast who roams the neither zones of this universe.  Flowers!  Wait, did I say puppies?  I said puppies, right?  Not something else that might seem evil.  OK, good!

I think we got off on the wrong foot.  No, not the one in the grave!  Damn!  I'm not good at this!

Hordak Celebrates Memorial Day

Hordak: While Hordak choses to celebrates holidays, Hordak does not give his employees any time off work for them, but Hordak does give employees 5% off any purchase from the lobby vending machines!

Hordak: Hordak would like to remember all the fallen soliders in Hordak's army of evil.  Wether they were cut in half by She-Ra's sword, crushed under that cheap repeating boulder animation, or just put to death for not turning in their quarterly reports on time, these heroes deserve mention.

There's the guy with the crazy eye stalks.  The hairy guy.  The, er, big muscle guy.  Stinkor?  Was he one of mine?  Hordak would look them up but that means he'd have an employee file, and that means possibly giving out benefits, and that's just not something a captain of industry like Hordak is willing to do.

What, 5% off twix isn't good enough?

Hordak would like to give special thanks to Shadow Weaver and her two ... wonderful ... skills.  If there is anything more American than Memorial Day, it's baseball, and if there's anything more known about baseball, it's second base, which is something I get to every time I pass her in a tight hallway.

Shadow Weaver: !!!!!!!

Hordak: Hordak would like to also remind folks that this is a day for our fallen heroes, not a day to launch another ill-timed sexual harassment lawsuit.  Hordak is already fighting enough of those!